The Emotional Bank Account in Relationships

Have you ever felt like something was off in a relationship? Maybe it’s time to think of relationships like a bank account. This might sound simple, but it’s a great way to keep things balanced and to hold yourself accountable. Just like putting money into a bank account, you make deposits in an “emotional bank account” to keep relationships strong and balanced.

What Is the Emotional Bank Account?

The emotional bank account is a concept from Stephen Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and it’s also used in The Gottman Method for couples therapy. Positive actions are like deposits, while negative actions are like withdrawals.

How Do We Make Deposits?

In relationships, deposits are actions that show care, respect, thoughtfulness, and understanding. Here are some examples:

  • Active Listening: Show interest in what the other person is saying and listen carefully.
  • Keeping Promises: When you say you’ll do something, follow through. It shows reliability and respect for the relationship.
  • Showing Appreciation: A simple “thank you” or recognizing when someone has done something for you can make a big difference.
  • Apologizing When You’re Wrong: Taking responsibility is key in relationships. If you’ve made a mistake, own up to it. And remember, the best apology is changed behavior.

What Counts as a Withdrawal?

Negative actions are like withdrawals from the emotional bank account. Even if they’re unintentional, they can still hurt the balance in a relationship. Here are some examples:

  • Not Listening or Ignoring: When you don’t listen to someone, it can make them feel unimportant.
  • Breaking Promises: Not showing up or canceling plans can make the other person feel unvalued.
  • Criticizing or Being Harsh: Words can hurt, and criticism can feel like an attack on someone’s character.
  • Not Apologizing: Avoiding or refusing to apologize shows you aren’t willing to make things right.

Too many withdrawals without enough deposits to balance them can drain the emotional bank account, creating distance or resentment.

Why Does This Matter?

Humans need connection, so relationships are important. To build healthy relationships, there needs to be trust and understanding. Using the emotional bank account helps create awareness so you make more deposits than withdrawals. That way, your relationships stay strong, especially through tough times!

Written by Kellyn Wright, LMFT