As parents, it’s common to reassure children when they’re feeling anxious or worried. We say things like “It’ll be okay” or “There’s nothing to worry about.” While meant to soothe, this can lead kids to rely on us for comfort, preventing them from learning how to manage their worries on their own. Instead of giving reassurance, parents can teach kids a skill to help them handle their fears: playing detective.
In this blog post, I’ll expand on an idea from my recent video—the “Detective Game.” This game helps children investigate their worries, looking for clues to see if their anxious thoughts are based on facts or are simply imagined fears. It’s a fun way to help them develop critical thinking skills, build confidence, and learn how to manage anxiety in the future.
Why Do Kids Worry?
Like adults, children worry when faced with the unknown or situations they don’t feel in control of. While a bit of worry is normal, it can become a problem when it’s excessive and interferes with their day to day activity. A common request that parents have when bringing their child to the therapy space is, “what tools can I help provide my child to reduce worry at home?”
The Cycle of Reassurance
When we constantly reassure children, we unintentionally reinforce a cycle where they come back for more validation instead of working through their thoughts. While this may be a “Band-Aid” fix in the moment, it does not teach children the tools to comfort themselves. Once the reassurance wears off (and this can even be momentarily), they will be seeking reassurance again for their worry.
That’s why shifting the focus from reassurance to problem-solving can be more helpful. Encouraging children to play detective helps to evaluate whether their worries are based on facts or fiction, giving them tools to manage their unhelpful thinking.
Playing the Detective Game: Fact or Fiction?
Here’s how you can use the Detective Game with your child to help them investigate their worries:
- Explain the Game Tell your child that sometimes our brains tell us stories when we’re anxious. These stories aren’t always true, and it’s our job to play detective and figure out whether the worry is a fact or fiction.
- Identify the Worry Ask your child what they’re worried about. For example, they might say, “I’m worried no one will play with me at recess.” This is the “case” they’ll investigate.
- Collect Evidence Together, gather clues to see if the worry is based on facts or assumptions. Ask, “What has happened in the past?” or “Is there any reason to think things will be different this time?” For instance, maybe your child has always had someone to play with before, even if they’re feeling unsure now. Or, if they have had trouble finding a friend to play with, how did they previously handle it?
- Challenge the Worry Encourage your child to assess the evidence. Are their worries backed by facts, or are they based on fears? This step helps kids think critically and look at the situation more rationally. If you are able (pending age), you can have your child write a list of evidence. If your child prefers structure and is more concrete, it may help them to be able to look at and read the list back.
- Make a Decision: Fact or Fiction? Based on the clues, help your child decide if their worry is fact or fiction. If it’s fiction, remind them that their brain sometimes exaggerates fears, and that’s okay—it just means they need to look at the evidence more closely.
- Make a Plan If the worry still lingers, that is ok! Help your child to come up with a plan for what they can do to take control of their worry. A plan is always a helpful additive for taking control back from worry. For example, they could ask a specific friend to play with if they feel nervous at recess.
Why the Detective Game Works
The Detective Game interrupts the cycle of reassurance-seeking by encouraging kids to question their own anxious thoughts. Rather than accepting worries as facts, children learn to ask, “What evidence do I have for this thought?” This type of cognitive challenge helps reframe their thinking and teaches them to handle future worry with more confidence.
This game is based on a concept called cognitive restructuring, a common tool in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It helps people rethink and challenge unhelpful thoughts and build problem-solving skills. By practicing this regularly, kids learn to deal with their worries in a constructive way.
Building Independence
Over time, the goal is for children to play the Detective Game on their own, without parental guidance. Encourage them to use this process whenever they feel anxious—asking themselves if their thoughts are based on fact or fiction.